A Journey into the Past, a Glimpse of the Future

I was searching my numerous binders for a document I put together in the mid-90's about what I wanted to teach voice and what that meant to me.  I thought that sharing it and comparing it to some of my recent posts would be fun.  I moved it.  It's not it the binder where it should be and I can't find it any of the others.

But, I did find two other very interesting writings, especially when viewed in light of what I just wrote about Glenda and her book.  This is also a great example of why we need to write what we think and feel.  I had forgotten the passion with which I wrote the second entry.

These first excerpts are from a document I prepared for my own use (thanks EB for the idea and encouragement) titled "Celebration of Self".  This was written in March of 1999.  I was in grad school working on a DMA in vocal performance that I didn't end up finishing.

I AM A SINGER
Sing--vi.  1a.  To produce musical tones by means of the voice  b.  to utter words in musical tones and with musical inflections and modulations
3a.  to relate or celebrate something in verse
5.  to produce musical or harmonious sounds
7.  to give information or evidence
vt. chant, intone 

When I looked up sing and singer in the dictionary and thesaurus, I was struck by how limited these definitions are.  What I do and who I am is so much more than this.   

I AM A TEACHER
Teacher--awakener, guide, one who imparts knowledge, communicator.
teacher--1.  instructor, trainer, coach, educator, pedagogue, master, tutor, professor, lector, lecturer, academian
2.  mentor, counselor, advisor, guide, explainer, expounder, interpreter, annotator
3.  informer, demonstrator, exponent, propagator
4.  exemplar, example, pattern, model, ideal, idol 

I am a teacher.  It's not just what I do, it is central to what I am.  It is my purpose.  I've always know I was a teacher, but only within the last eight years or so have I known that I need to teach singing.  My need to teach is hard to explain to most people.  I need it a much as I need food or air.  I need it as much as most of my friends need to perform.  I love singing and enjoy performing, but the real highs in my life come through teaching. Though at times it can be frustrating, it can also be energizing, invigoration, and stimulating.  Sometime teaching literally keeps me alive.  I will get out of bed to teach when I don't care enough to do anything else.  The sharing of knowledge is so exciting to me.  Sometimes, the most exciting things are the things I learn from my students.  

My last semester of grad school was fall of 1999.  I left mid-year so I could deal with some serious health issues.  I continued study with Glenda off an on for the next few years.  On October 19, 2001, I started writing again with the idea that I would do another full Celebration of Self document to see how I had grown and changed since the first.  I didn't finish it, but I did include this.

I AM A SINGER 

Last time I did a celebration of self project, I found definitions and synonyms for singing, and comment that they really didn't define every things I am and do.  But, I didn't go any further in describing who and what I really am as a singer.  As I singer, I AM A GIVER OF LIFE AND LIGHT.  I PROTECT AND NOURISH BEAUTY.  In the last couple of years, I've found that my purpose in singing.  It's not that teaching is not longer my purpose--it is a purpose--but singing is what I really need to do right now.  It is through singing that I feel completely alive.  When I looked up the word origin for perform, it said to thoroughly complete.  I think that that is what singing does for me.  It makes me feel complete and whole.  It takes me to physical, emotional, and spiritual levels that nothing else can.  It's hard working with Glenda, because I think that she still sees my desires as first a teacher and then a singer.  That's what it used to be, but not I really want to sing.  She helped awaken that in me, and I must admit sometimes I really hate her for it.  (Hate is too strong of a word, but sometimes when you're not sure you're up to fulfilling your potential, you wish that the person who helped you see it hadn't.)

Obviously, I've cycled back since then towards teacher as primary purpose and identity. My favorite phrase is that whole last paragraph is "but singing is what I really need to do right now."  I'm learning to trust my path and honor the things that are there for me as lessons I need at that moment.  I don't think I was wrong in 1999 and I don't think I was wrong in 2001.  It was right for that point in my life.  (And poor Glenda had to deal with all of it, probably never really sure where I stood.)

I'm not going to do another full Celebration of Self right now (lucky you!), but I do want to wrap this post up with where I feel like I am and where I am heading.  Way before college, I knew I wanted to be a teacher or a healer.  I just didn't know what specific thing to teach or what healing professional to pursue.  I've explored a lot of paths and none of the time there was wasted.  All of that fed into who I am right now.  And right now, I still feel like my call is that of teacher and healer.  Although the Western world often separates those 2 professions, I believe they are one and the same.  And right now, singing and tai chi are the vehicles through which I teach and heal.  Other doors are opening.  Other pathways are presenting themselves.  The goal I'm pursuing right now is that of  creating some kind of fusion of the things that mean the most to me--teaching, healing, singing, tai chi, and beauty.  They are one.  I can see it.  I'm close.  Very close.

It Takes Time

I am loving my new journey of learning Tai Chi. And I am amazed (though I probably shouldn't be) and how many similarities there are between this and studying/teaching voice. When I first began my Master's degree in vocal performance, my teacher had me read Brenda Ueland's book If You Want to Write. She said to just substitute sing whenever Ueland said write. The book is amazing and has influenced me both as a writer and a singer. In Dr. Paul Lam's latest newsletter, I found an article and a link to a video that once again reminded me how closely related the things that I love are.

The article is actually the text from Brenda Hum's talk that she gave at a Tai Chi Conference. "What does the Spirit of Tai Chi Mean?" is a beautiful exploration of what Tai Chi can do for us as individuals and as a group. If you substitute the word music, you could give this talk at a music educators' conference. Please read it. All I can add is AMEN!



The video of Marty Kidder's talk is hilarious, especially as he shares "code" phrases for how to encourage your students and what the teacher might really be thinking. Students--I just want you to know that I've been using these phrases for years, and not because you are clueless, but for the reasons he states at the end. The pursuit of any worthy goal takes time and discipline and a willingness to risk and even embrace failure in order to learn.

Someone recently asked me about my interests and activities and I mumbled a few things and then felt like I must live a pretty boring life. I think she just caught me at a bad time. The truth is, I live a pretty amazing life. I love to explore--places, ideas, feelings. I read a lot. Lately it's been more news and blogs than books, but I can't stop reading. I love watching plants and animals and people. You can learn so much from quiet observation. I love music, tai chi, and writing and those 3 interests alone could provide a lifetime of learning and challenges. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be to really enjoy them. The mastering of any skill or art takes time, and even the greatest masters never stop learning and practicing.

The Courage to Teach

Since I started my voice blog, I've spent much more time with it, and less on my other blog. Today, I have a post that fits perfectly with both, so I will be double posting (kind of like when I used the same paper for my college theatre history class and a music class.)

I just finished reading The Courage to Teach by Parker Palmer. When I was just a few pages into it, I looked back at the original publication date (1998) and wondered how I missed reading this amazing book in the 10+ years that it's been out. It's been said that when the student is ready, the teacher appears (possibly a Buddist proverb; I can't find anything definite.) And I was definitely ready for this book.

I'm not going to do a book review, since I'm sure you can find better ones elsewhere, but I am going to share some of the things that tied in very well with where I am in my life right now. On page 10 he says, "This book builds on a simple premise: good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher."

Integrity has always been something I've worked for, but I feel like I'm embracing it more now. And I'm embracing it in a way that is new for me. In the past, in my life, I've tended to lean towards this definition of integrity: "firm adherance to a code of esp. moral or artistic values."
There is nothing particularly wrong with that, except that the values I was adhering to belonged to other people. The integrity Palmer talks about, and what I've been leaning towards now, is "the quality or state of being complete or undivided." It's understanding what my personal code of values is and living all parts of my life that way. It's knowing who I am and allowing that true identity to come through in my interactions with others, rather than responding the way I think they want me to respond.

Palmer also addressed the issue of paradox. We live in a society that works with either/or, black/white, yes/no dichotomies. However, much of what we know to be true involves paradox, seemingly contradictory ideas, that nevertheless are true and exist together. The concepts of justice and mercy create a paradox. How can they both exist? And yet this is the foundation on which the plan of salvation is built. Or in singing, look at chiaroscuro. It doesn't refer to somewhere between a bright and a dark sound. It refers to embracing both of those characteristics at the same time to find a balanced sound.

Finally, Palmer discusses subject-centered learning. In traditional teacher-centered learning, the teacher stands as an expert between the learners and subject. Everything the students know of the subject comes from the expert. They don't actually have access to the subject itself. He has some great diagrams you should check out if this isn't making sense the way I explain it. He instead advocates subject-centered learning, where we are all learners and have access to the subject itself. The teacher then functions more as a facilitator rather than an expert. You really do need to read his explanations on this. I'm just hoping to use this model more in my teaching. I think I've had some of it in the past. For example, I feel like I help students discover how to sing, and show them how to access their voices, rather that "teaching" them to sing.

It's a great book, so if you're looking for something to read, definitely check it out. I also recommend his book, "A Hidden Wholeness".