A Journey into the Past, a Glimpse of the Future

I was searching my numerous binders for a document I put together in the mid-90's about what I wanted to teach voice and what that meant to me.  I thought that sharing it and comparing it to some of my recent posts would be fun.  I moved it.  It's not it the binder where it should be and I can't find it any of the others.

But, I did find two other very interesting writings, especially when viewed in light of what I just wrote about Glenda and her book.  This is also a great example of why we need to write what we think and feel.  I had forgotten the passion with which I wrote the second entry.

These first excerpts are from a document I prepared for my own use (thanks EB for the idea and encouragement) titled "Celebration of Self".  This was written in March of 1999.  I was in grad school working on a DMA in vocal performance that I didn't end up finishing.

I AM A SINGER
Sing--vi.  1a.  To produce musical tones by means of the voice  b.  to utter words in musical tones and with musical inflections and modulations
3a.  to relate or celebrate something in verse
5.  to produce musical or harmonious sounds
7.  to give information or evidence
vt. chant, intone 

When I looked up sing and singer in the dictionary and thesaurus, I was struck by how limited these definitions are.  What I do and who I am is so much more than this.   

I AM A TEACHER
Teacher--awakener, guide, one who imparts knowledge, communicator.
teacher--1.  instructor, trainer, coach, educator, pedagogue, master, tutor, professor, lector, lecturer, academian
2.  mentor, counselor, advisor, guide, explainer, expounder, interpreter, annotator
3.  informer, demonstrator, exponent, propagator
4.  exemplar, example, pattern, model, ideal, idol 

I am a teacher.  It's not just what I do, it is central to what I am.  It is my purpose.  I've always know I was a teacher, but only within the last eight years or so have I known that I need to teach singing.  My need to teach is hard to explain to most people.  I need it a much as I need food or air.  I need it as much as most of my friends need to perform.  I love singing and enjoy performing, but the real highs in my life come through teaching. Though at times it can be frustrating, it can also be energizing, invigoration, and stimulating.  Sometime teaching literally keeps me alive.  I will get out of bed to teach when I don't care enough to do anything else.  The sharing of knowledge is so exciting to me.  Sometimes, the most exciting things are the things I learn from my students.  

My last semester of grad school was fall of 1999.  I left mid-year so I could deal with some serious health issues.  I continued study with Glenda off an on for the next few years.  On October 19, 2001, I started writing again with the idea that I would do another full Celebration of Self document to see how I had grown and changed since the first.  I didn't finish it, but I did include this.

I AM A SINGER 

Last time I did a celebration of self project, I found definitions and synonyms for singing, and comment that they really didn't define every things I am and do.  But, I didn't go any further in describing who and what I really am as a singer.  As I singer, I AM A GIVER OF LIFE AND LIGHT.  I PROTECT AND NOURISH BEAUTY.  In the last couple of years, I've found that my purpose in singing.  It's not that teaching is not longer my purpose--it is a purpose--but singing is what I really need to do right now.  It is through singing that I feel completely alive.  When I looked up the word origin for perform, it said to thoroughly complete.  I think that that is what singing does for me.  It makes me feel complete and whole.  It takes me to physical, emotional, and spiritual levels that nothing else can.  It's hard working with Glenda, because I think that she still sees my desires as first a teacher and then a singer.  That's what it used to be, but not I really want to sing.  She helped awaken that in me, and I must admit sometimes I really hate her for it.  (Hate is too strong of a word, but sometimes when you're not sure you're up to fulfilling your potential, you wish that the person who helped you see it hadn't.)

Obviously, I've cycled back since then towards teacher as primary purpose and identity. My favorite phrase is that whole last paragraph is "but singing is what I really need to do right now."  I'm learning to trust my path and honor the things that are there for me as lessons I need at that moment.  I don't think I was wrong in 1999 and I don't think I was wrong in 2001.  It was right for that point in my life.  (And poor Glenda had to deal with all of it, probably never really sure where I stood.)

I'm not going to do another full Celebration of Self right now (lucky you!), but I do want to wrap this post up with where I feel like I am and where I am heading.  Way before college, I knew I wanted to be a teacher or a healer.  I just didn't know what specific thing to teach or what healing professional to pursue.  I've explored a lot of paths and none of the time there was wasted.  All of that fed into who I am right now.  And right now, I still feel like my call is that of teacher and healer.  Although the Western world often separates those 2 professions, I believe they are one and the same.  And right now, singing and tai chi are the vehicles through which I teach and heal.  Other doors are opening.  Other pathways are presenting themselves.  The goal I'm pursuing right now is that of  creating some kind of fusion of the things that mean the most to me--teaching, healing, singing, tai chi, and beauty.  They are one.  I can see it.  I'm close.  Very close.